I never thought I would be so trendy.
After watching the news, I now see I have missing out on the
latest custom to memorialize the passing of a fellow human-Looting.
Just after I am cremated this is how it will work:
My closest friends (you know who you are) will each receive several
Pre-Paid Visa Cards totaling about $500.00. You will be encouraged to dress in
your best thug finery and will be transported, via limo, to a few of the local
retail establishments.
Just imagine the thrill of pseudo looting as you rush and
push your way into Spec’s Liquor and grab bottles of premium bourbon and scotch.
The uptight suburbanites will give you a wide berth as you dash into the
walk-in humidor to cop a handful of Cohiba “Red Dot” Toros. Don’t forget the ice, lots of ice, it’s going to
be long night. As you hastily exit, be sure to leave your Visa Card with one of
the terrified sales clerks.
The limo will take you to Academy Sports & Outdoors. You
and your mob will run in and grab as much ammo as you want. You did remember to
bring a hand gun didn’t you? You will need a large cooler for all that ice you
just looted. The high dollar Nike shoes are in the rear left corner.
Disclaimer: Your Pre-Paid Visa Card will not be valid for any Texas Hunting License.
Again, throw down the correct Visa card. Time to move on.
The last looter’s venue will be HEB Central Market. Your
Visa will not be accepted for any health-related food items. I recommend you
move quickly and abscond Prime Beef Rib Eyes and for the real ballsy looter,
Prime Rib Roast.
Then, off to the deer lease for a night of drinking, eating
and shooting guns.
I wish I could be there.
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